It’s the video everyone is talking about. How do I know this? Well, for an entire day, I got to listen computers at work all over the office erupt in “Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, Stop telephonin’ me.” This could be worse than the horrific “BANANAS – this shit is bananas – B. A. N. A. N. A. S.” audio sensory torture that was inflected on America several years ago.
Here’s my minute by minute breakdown of the Gaga epic “Telephone”:
:10 I like these fonts.
:38 Wow there are hot lesbians in prison. For some reason, this is clashing with the Queen Latifah “When you’re good to Mama” sequence from Chicago in my head.
:51 I guess shoulder pads will be the big trend of spring. Great.
1:02 Gaga is getting stripped. This fits more with the Latifah Chicago visions I have.
1:30 Cigarette sunglasses?! Holy shit! This is cutting edge!!
2:00 Is that a man? I mean, I know this is a women’s prison. But, is that a man?
2:11 The next time you go to prison, make sure your phone is Virgin Mobile. Otherwise, you might have a problem getting through security.
2:29 You didn’t know that Chanel sunglasses are meant to accompany hair cans and leather studs? You must not have gotten the April issue of InStyle yet.
3:10 While she may look like a tranny, this is the most human I’ve seen Lady Gaga look in a music video ever.
3:34 I know California is having major budget problems with prisons, but did they really have to slash the funds for prison uniforms?
4:09 Potential Halloween 2010 costume #1. Noted.
4:16 Virgin Mobile: the cell phone of choice for convicted rapists, murderers, and thiefs.
4:45 Do you think that car comes in other shades of yellow and pink?
5:15 This whole thing totally makes sense now. Why didn’t they just call it Thelma & Louise 2?
5:46 Polaroid is basically a dying brand yet it can pay for product placement? Sounds like they’ve taken a cue from GM’s strategy.
6:08 The only diners I go to have drunk kids at 2:00AM. Is this what happens in them during the day time?
6:39 Let’s make a sandwich? How about let’s eat a sandwich?
6:50 This sequence is identical to “Work This Out” from High School Musical 2. Except that Zac Efron had more makeup on, and this version is on crack cocaine.
7:09 Note to self: The next time I try to kill someone, make sure to look for “Poison” and not “Arsenic.” No wonder I had trouble finding it at Whole Foods.
7:42 When did this become a PSA about America’s obesity epidemic?
8:15 What’s more American than dead people over waffles and fries in a desert diner?
8:58 The outfits finally make sense – they’re headed to a Mormon compound!
9:19 To be continued? Please no.
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